A personal taste of Nelson de Gouveia

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Is there just too much internet junk out there?

in Life by
internet junk and digital pollution

I’ve been thinking about all the internet junk we leave behind and how it amounts to digital pollution.

It’s like the garbage bags that float in the ocean or the space debris that orbits our planet. We create and leave behind so many email addresses, dating profiles and competition entries.

You know that every time you create a fake Facebook account to stalk your ex, someone out there has to switch on a server? A server that requires electricity, air conditioning and extra RAM, just because you need to see how happier she is without you?

We also forget the other possibility that with all this information we keep feeding into this beast could fill it up. What if one day we’re all signing up to a new form of social media and the Internet sends us all a message that says “insufficient space.”

And in voice we’ll all yell, “Awww fuck,” in so many languages.

Tomorrow I wouldn’t mug you for your car, I’d mug you for your email address. The government will send out messages, “please delete your unwanted Twitter accounts. For only 1 Gig free, you can provide an African child with an untapped source of self-esteem issues, and the opportunity to achieve unsustainable relationships…online.”

Ok, so it’s not quite possible for the Internet to fill up. But what if the Cloud acts exactly like a Cloud? When it gets heavy with water, it begins to rain. What will The Cloud do? Will my computer burst open and out will Coe this huge avalanche of cat videos, blog posts and dick pics hitting you in the face?

My question is would you prefer a big picture of a dickpic hitting you in the face, or a picture of a huge dick hitting you in the face?

Casey Affleck – He is not guilty of sexual harassment

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casey affleck with an oscar was accussed of sexual harassment

Casey Affleck has been slammed in the media and social commentary for winning an Oscar award, since he’s been accused of alleged sexually harassment by two employees.

He was accused of sexual harassment. Allegedly. Not proven or convicted.

In this post my girlfriend sent me by Sady Doyle, this voice of reason hosted by feminist-brandishing magazine Elle condones that “if the allegations are true, more and more women will be forced to work with Affleck despite the danger he poses to their physical safety and mental health“.

So she pre-empts with confirming that nobody has proven the allegations, but leads further with warning women off him regardless.

That is the male equivalent of slut-shaming and therefore sexist. Well done.

For those who argue that it isn’t the same thing…you’re right, men don’t suffer from slut-shaming, we’re applauded for being promiscuous. But women hardly suffer from being labelled “sexual harassers” either, and it happens to men too.

While women are being automatically derided as victims, men are automatically labelled as predators. Society says so, surely it must be true?

I’ve been accused of emotional abuse, a form of sexual harassment, by an ex-girlfriend recently. She posted on our comedian channels and on her own Facebook page that I was narcissistic, controlling and a sociopath.

I know I’m not any of those things, and I even showed these to my loving partner prior to the initial birth of our relationship. So far, things are completely strong between us and she finds me nothing but understanding and caring.

And, of course, nothing come of it since I’m not a celebrity winning awards or being celebrated for my first ever major accomplishment. No profit from it, I’m afraid, sorry.

Still, if I was, this would cloud it and show up to ruin the party. Even if it did reach anywhere, it would be with the comedy community, the people who provide me with the opportunities to perform as a comedian talking crap on stage about the “last 10% of my own fucks to give” or “my girlfriend starting playing my Xbox.”

So far though, it hasn’t. Everyone knew her and had their own opinion, and most of it wasn’t favourable. None of it came from me as I enjoyed her company and was sad she ended our relationship.

But to then, 2 years later, begin a slur-ranting phase about me without proof or provocation, it amounts to slander.

roman polanski is an proven rapist
Roman Polanski is a proven rapist and admitted to it

With Affleck’s case, it’s about two women that accuse him of making their working lives hell, and he eventually settled out of court. Mind you, Sady does bring up many proven examples (Mel Gibson, Roman Polanski, where’s Chris Brown), but argues his conviction without the facts being proven.

Here’s where I’d write Sady’s line a little more accurately.

If the allegations were proven to be true, Casey Affleck should pay restitution financially, therapy and rehabilitation, and even jailtime. He should also return his award as it was gained on the backs of those that suffered under him.

If the allegations were proven to be false however, we should forgive him and apologise to him for slandering his name after having worked so hard to achieve one of Hollywood’s highest awards.

Meanwhile, we will never know until the next time it MAY happen.

This isn’t a case to defend Casey against the naysayers that believe he did it (and oh boy, they do), because I have no idea. No one has come forth with proof showing Casey saying those words or being a dickhead.

He probably is a dickhead. Most people are.
But until we prove his sexual harassment, we have to defend his rights to freedom of expression as much as we should to every woman, every child and every man that walks amongst us. just as much as we expect everyone else to do the same for us.

As for my case, I know what emotional abuse is though, I suffered it recently and glad I came out of it, but to slander in public with no proof means nothing, especially from me.

No, I’m calling the pitchfork-wielding villagers out for getting their facts straight and promoting hysteria. You’re not fake news, you’re being Fox News. Stop it.

Driving Test – A Comedy Shortfilm

in Comedy by

Check out our latest little comedy shortfilm:

TITLE: Driving Test
TAGLINE: A Driving Instructor struggles to teach a student the basics.
CAST: Joe Emilio, Nelson de Gouveia, Cara Ruthernberg

Debunking the Public Perception – Sitting by a bar with a friend

in Life by

Let’s set the scene; I pick up my friend from a section of Voortrekker Road in Bellville and head up to Durbanville to the Meraki Bar.

We both enter, greet the door lady stating we’re comedians, then we head to the bar, order a few drinks, share a box of cigarettes and look over our notes.

“You think people will show up?” I ask.

“Are you kidding? It’s Meraki.” he retorts, before taking a drag, blow smoke up in the air and looks down at his notes.

The promoter ambles by. “Hey guys, we’re ready for tonight’s show?”

We look over into the venue and see the one table occupied by some “youths” cracking jokes in Afrikaans. “Yeah, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.”

But the point of this story is not what you think. Keep Reading

Star Wars vs Star Trek – They’re really the same thing

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I breach the subject of “have you ever seen Star Trek” with random people in my life, both close and acquaintal, and the response is usually the same:

Dude, Star Wars is so much better.

A formidable response, which I oppose but only to equalise the playing field. I myself don’t consider Star Trek better, just that it’s as good. It’s not a space opera, it’s a slow burner. It has more technical know-how but examines the human condition more careful along with actual space battles.

Destroying the Death Star? You’re missing out on the Federation taking out the Dominion in DS9, now THAT was a battle.

I have found though that I can shock people with some nerve-wracking similarities between Star Wars and Star Trek, but in true Nelson fashion I take it one step further by including everyone’s favourite topic…

RELIGION!

Let me reveal the reasons why: Keep Reading

Spaghetti bolognaise – The truth about business success with only one dish

in Life by

Once in a while to assess business success, the acumen side of my culture (Portuguese, that is) rages like a solar flare due to some discrepancy in the force, and I’m willing to bet that it harbours no one any mind, but it’s my anger and I can rage if I want to.

I arrived at work Monday and found our in-house deli came up with the following gold mine:

– Main meal: Bolognaise Sauce – R33
– Side: Spaghetti – R5

That’s right. I can order bolognaise sauce a paltry R33.

But, if I wish to make a spaghetti bolognaise meal, I would have to fork out an extra R5.

And let me tell you how I felt… Keep Reading

Tinder Decoder 2.0: Does she want to date you or destroy you completely?

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tinder texting while having dinner

I read a lovely piece on W24 entitled “Tinder Decoder: Does he want to date you or just sleep with you?“, a wonderful example of literature lifted entirely from a Grade 10 student’s essay book, the kind that sits forever under that dusty DVD copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” after you’ve watched it with your ex-boyfriend.

I enjoyed it, and the first line caught my eye so:

“Okay, let’s face it, the majority of Tinder users are on the app for one reason and one reason only – to get laid!”

And yes, the little man brandishing his gnarled stick at the sun inside me began to cry havoc and stomp his feet, as I reacted angrily to how double-sided this article was. It’s all just the men, she says, it’s just them that do it, she says, men on Tinder want to fuck women and that’s all they’re there for. Meanwhile, the soft-padded little man inside waited patiently before reminding me:

“She’s right, and you know it. But the other side of the cake has the same frosting.”

So, in the interests of fair play, I’ve come up with a similar list of common traits I’ve found women to have on Tinder:

Keep Reading

VIDEO – #ThatsFunny at the All Star Theatre, Brackenfell, November 2014

in Comedy by
nelson comedy comedian
The following video is a 10 minute stand up comedy special performed live in front of an audience at the All star Theatre in Bracknefell in November 2014.
I hated that suit.
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