A personal taste of Nelson de Gouveia

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Driving Test – A Comedy Shortfilm

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Check out our latest little comedy shortfilm:

TITLE: Driving Test
TAGLINE: A Driving Instructor struggles to teach a student the basics.
CAST: Joe Emilio, Nelson de Gouveia, Cara Ruthernberg

Debunking the Public Perception – Sitting by a bar with a friend

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Let’s set the scene; I pick up my friend from a section of Voortrekker Road in Bellville and head up to Durbanville to the Meraki Bar.

We both enter, greet the door lady stating we’re comedians, then we head to the bar, order a few drinks, share a box of cigarettes and look over our notes.

“You think people will show up?” I ask.

“Are you kidding? It’s Meraki.” he retorts, before taking a drag, blow smoke up in the air and looks down at his notes.

The promoter ambles by. “Hey guys, we’re ready for tonight’s show?”

We look over into the venue and see the one table occupied by some “youths” cracking jokes in Afrikaans. “Yeah, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.”

But the point of this story is not what you think. Keep Reading

Star Wars vs Star Trek – They’re really the same thing

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I breach the subject of “have you ever seen Star Trek” with random people in my life, both close and acquaintal, and the response is usually the same:

Dude, Star Wars is so much better.

A formidable response, which I oppose but only to equalise the playing field. I myself don’t consider Star Trek better, just that it’s as good. It’s not a space opera, it’s a slow burner. It has more technical know-how but examines the human condition more careful along with actual space battles.

Destroying the Death Star? You’re missing out on the Federation taking out the Dominion in DS9, now THAT was a battle.

I have found though that I can shock people with some nerve-wracking similarities between Star Wars and Star Trek, but in true Nelson fashion I take it one step further by including everyone’s favourite topic…

RELIGION!

Let me reveal the reasons why: Keep Reading

Spaghetti bolognaise – The truth about business success with only one dish

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Once in a while to assess business success, the acumen side of my culture (Portuguese, that is) rages like a solar flare due to some discrepancy in the force, and I’m willing to bet that it harbours no one any mind, but it’s my anger and I can rage if I want to.

I arrived at work Monday and found our in-house deli came up with the following gold mine:

– Main meal: Bolognaise Sauce – R33
– Side: Spaghetti – R5

That’s right. I can order bolognaise sauce a paltry R33.

But, if I wish to make a spaghetti bolognaise meal, I would have to fork out an extra R5.

And let me tell you how I felt… Keep Reading

Tinder Decoder 2.0: Does she want to date you or destroy you completely?

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tinder texting while having dinner

I read a lovely piece on W24 entitled “Tinder Decoder: Does he want to date you or just sleep with you?“, a wonderful example of literature lifted entirely from a Grade 10 student’s essay book, the kind that sits forever under that dusty DVD copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” after you’ve watched it with your ex-boyfriend.

I enjoyed it, and the first line caught my eye so:

“Okay, let’s face it, the majority of Tinder users are on the app for one reason and one reason only – to get laid!”

And yes, the little man brandishing his gnarled stick at the sun inside me began to cry havoc and stomp his feet, as I reacted angrily to how double-sided this article was. It’s all just the men, she says, it’s just them that do it, she says, men on Tinder want to fuck women and that’s all they’re there for. Meanwhile, the soft-padded little man inside waited patiently before reminding me:

“She’s right, and you know it. But the other side of the cake has the same frosting.”

So, in the interests of fair play, I’ve come up with a similar list of common traits I’ve found women to have on Tinder:

Keep Reading

VIDEO – #ThatsFunny at the All Star Theatre, Brackenfell, November 2014

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nelson comedy comedian
The following video is a 10 minute stand up comedy special performed live in front of an audience at the All star Theatre in Bracknefell in November 2014.
I hated that suit.

Nelson’s Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015

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mel brooks ten commandments

In my vain quest to better myself, I wrote the “Nelson’s Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015”, which I’m printing out and framing somewhere so it looks all cool and stuff:

  1. Thou shalt be funnier
  2. Thou shalt allow thyself more time for creativity
  3. Thou shalt NOT be sequestered into banal activities that succumb thee to procrastination like “videogames” or “let’s go visit my mother”
  4. Thou shalt write some more, including another script. The wise sage Luc Besson wrote “Leon” in 2 weeks and that turned out fucking awesome.
  5. Thou shalt return to a major inner-city comedy club to perform and make the proletariat laugh and giggle at new and fancy shit.
  6. Thou shalt live in a palatial home with a marble…kitchen counter, and a functioning toaster.
  7. Thou shalt NOT use said toaster, as thou hast denied thyself ALL carbs.
  8. Thou shalt stay focused and driven…and by driven, meaning thou shall have sold thy motor-veHEEcle and opt for walking to thy abode of employment
  9. Thou shalt continue to love those near thee, and remember to call at least one person a week for a chat and a debate.
  10. Thou shalt love thyself…and remember that thou were the fastest swimmer out of a couple of trillion others that didn’t make it.
Happy New Year for 2015, everybody.

 

Say what I meant…and mean it.

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bill hick said what he meant

“You’re really brave to say the things you say.” And Bill smiled.

I read that and was amazed at that observation. Bill Hick’s autobiography, American Scream, opened my eyes up a little. Has that been my failing all along, that I’ve not been talking about what’s really inside me?

I’ve noticed the greats are doing that; Bill Hicks talked about his passion for an America he hated, “I’m gonna overthrow the government and replace it with a democracy.”. Richard Pryor was open about his failings, “Nothing like setting yourself on fire to make you realise you’re in deep shit.” Louis CK, in paying tribute to George Carlin and what he learnt about being a writer, “I have to dig deeper everytime I throw away old shit to find something new to talk about.”

I feel like I’m scared to really talk about what I’m thinking, that I hide my real comedy behind a layer of diatribe that’s been pulverised into a blender and regurgitated out for a massive few, while the greats constantly strove to work hard at being themselves.

There have been moments, however, when I’ve felt like myself. Most recently, I headlined Ellingtons in Bellville, Cape Town before one of the major soccer matches, and they had it on the big screen behind me. As I went up, I knew I had a short space of time to say before the game started, which reminded me of those many times when my dad told me to move out of the way from the television set, and the crowd bought it, it made sense. “Was your father a glass-maker?” “I don’t know, dad, I’m 4, what do you do?”

But I categorise my persona in two ways:

– When I’m surrounded by people that I think will get me, and that includes the comics and the promoter
– When I’m in an alien environment I’m unsure of, and I dish out familiar, bottled material in order to keep it safe.

How I should categorise my persona is as follows:

– Say what I like about what I’m thinking, and hopefully the crowd will get it.

I did a show last night in Melbourne, Australia, in a beautifully packed room with a good stage. No one knew me, I didn’t speak to the other comics, but I kept thinking about that line from Bill’s biography and decided to open with something familiar and proceed with something fresh:

“Hi everyone, nice to meet you. My name is Nelson Jose Goncalves Ribeiro, I’m 34 years old and I was born in Venezuela, to a Portuguese family and grew up in South Africa.

“This means, Australia, that I’m not your f***ing problem.” That got laughs.

“You don’t have to fret, I’m not endangering the social structure here, I’m purely passing through. I know it seems unfair, this f***ing foreigner coming over here stealing our spots in open mic nights away from decent hard-working local comedians who happen to also be lazy scumbags that can’t hold down a job, the b******.

“My visa ends on the 15th, my ticket is for the 14th. So no matter what happens tonight, the immigration question has been answered.”

And applause.

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