A Personal Taste of Nelson de Gouveia

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WhatsApp Status – The new feature that should remain old

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Whatsapp

Whatsapp has come a long way from the days when the engineers that built it were denied a job at Facebook. Now, Jan Koum and Brian Acton are two happy men. With money.

Lots of it, in fact. Around $19 billion. For Whatsapp.

Well, no, since we’re so silly to think they’re both living Scrooge McDuck lives and jumping off a diving board into gold coins.

And now they’ve come up with a new feature stolen from someone who stole it from someone who thought it was a cool feature to attract teens with low esteem.

Whatsapp Status – a 24 hour content stream that lets you upload an image or video about anything and everything, and disappears the next day.

Why?

I mean why on Whatsapp, what is the point? On Snapchat, I could understand since its a instantaneous “here and gone”, pretty much the original thoughts that enter and leave young people’s minds right before they take a “serrrllffiiiieeee”.

And then it ventured onto Instagram, the grownup version, providing sexy people with the opportunity to show off their abs and butts without waiting for the tabloids to do so.

But it made sense there; Instagram is a public tool, allowing strangers to wangle into your storefront and stare blandly at the goods. And the platform, thanks to their algorithms that detected female nipples and overall genitalia, became as trusted a family social tool as Christmas dinner.

Whatsapp is reserved for your friends and family though, and your vanity is limited to the few that really care or technically don’t. So is this new feature an actually ploy to grab further users (they doubled they userbase in the past two years to around 1.2 billion) or trying to be relevant in a landscape with the “same old same old”?

The instant gratification of a few seconds of “status” still intrigues me, yet I have been unable to obtain a plausible reason why. I ask those around me why implementing a 5 second video of themselves giving the finger to the world would be so appealing, only to have generalised responses like, “bra, it’s cool, why be so uptight?”

Uptight? Is it me then? Am I turning into a fuddy-duddy, where “new things” upset the order of the universe? No, I’ve been a curmudgeon for so long I can criminalise a new flavour of chocolate ice-cream that appears in my supermarket shelf, so I haven’t changed.

I’m just not sure I’m happy with using data reminding my private list of contacts what mood I’m feeling. If I want to let someone know how I feel, I’ll send a wonderful voicenote akin to what Louis CK hates. “Heeeyyyyy bro, these chicken cheez whizzes are like…ammmaaarrzzzinnggg????”

What I really want to change though is my ringtone. Oh man, if only could I change my ringtone to something I can customise and create, I would be SOOO happy. So goddamn happy, I could scream.

Let me change my ringtone, Whatsapp. Please.

Top 5 Classic Comedy Moments for Monday Survival

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top five classic comedy moments for monday

Everyone needs a pick-me-up on a Monday, ranging from coffee by the watercooler through to gossip by the expresso machine. Comedy, though, is nice too.

And here, for your viewing pleasure, are the top 5 choices of the funniest movie and TV scenes from classic comedies that’ll perk you right up.

1. Inspector Clouseau in “The Pink Panther Strikes Again” – 1976

Back when it was fashionable to be racist and popularise Eastern culture with Western influences, we overlooked the vindictive comments when slapstick got involved.

None more so than Peter Sellers’ inept detective battling it out with Burt Kwouk’s line-in manservant in his doomed apartment. The choreography was outstanding and mixing the editing speeds kept you guessing where they’ll take you next in one of many similar scenes that rehashed a joke that never got old.

2. Frank Drebin in “The Naked Gun 2 1/2 – The Smell of Fear” -1991

I could run off a great number of scenes from all of Leslie Nielsen’s portrayals of the hapless police detective (seems to be a theme), but none better than one of the best end credits imaginable from the shortlived “Police Squad” TV series he began in.

It took the common theme of pausing on a frame to start the end credits and turned it on its head. Enjoy.

3. Antichrist in “The Gods Must Be Crazy” – 1980

Louw Verwey’s Sam Boga named their broken-down truck “the Antichrist” due to how difficult it was to fix. Sadly, I couldn’t find a clip of his masterful performance, but what you can see of  Marius Weyer’s Andrew Steyn struggling to get it out of the water, the name seems well deserved.

A true classic, even if mired in controversy due to the exploitation of the native Nyae Nyae people and the South African government paying for it.

 

 

 

4. Hudson Hawk and Tommy Two Tone in “Hudson Hawk – 1991

Many thanks to Carmen J Ali for pointing out I didn’t publish number 4. You can find her on her Twitter, Instagram or her Blog.

One of Bruce Willis’s more underpanned roles, a jazz-swinging cat burglar, the film suffered from pastiche antagonists and desperate McGuffin’s to get the plot rolling, but the outlandish script was cute, cuddly and non-threatening.

The highlight being Willis’s love for jazz and incorporating the best rendition of “Swinging on a Star” as a tool mechanic for timing their robbery. Classic no matter what anyone says.

 5. Various characters in “Top Secret!” – 1984

It should really be number one, but saving the best for last and the Zuckers and Abrahams team start their movie franchise with a flawless pisstake of World War 2 films.

It also offered Val Kilmer is debut AND leading film role, hamming it up as American signer Nick Rivers trying to heal the world with rock ‘n roll blonde Elvis tunes. But the credit goes to all the actors as they make the comedy count in every turn.

Don’t forget to hook me up at my Twitter or Instagram accounts for more funny stuff.

How I’m trying to make an offensive joke funny…

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How I'm trying to make an offensive joke funny...

I worried over a joke last night that I knew will be offensive because I hadn’t written it correctly and it was raw.

In it, I took the banal arguments I have with people who praise Star Wars over the ludicrously elitism of the Star Trek franchise pre-Abrams, who he himself dragged it kicking and screaming into the 2010’s with Michael Bay-ish aplomb, and compared it to discussions some people like claiming the validity of reverse racism in South Africa.

Obviously, I won’t cover the whole joke here. It’s evolving and I’ll make it work. Keep Reading

Top 10 best moments of 2016

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top10 best moments of 2016

I hate reflecting on the past. By that, I mean that I LOVE reflecting on the past, all the things I’ve done, the people I’ve met and the wonderful experiences I’ve enjoyed. And 2016 is no exception.

I don’t try to be too narcissistic. Yes, I own a blog, I’m a comedian and I’m the type to admit that I look at myself in every reflection I walk past in. You know, just in case I have a hair loose. But I don’t TRY to be TOO narcissistic.

It’s cathartic though when I look back at the moments of 2016 and appreciate what has happened. There were some huge changes, I mean big ones. And all for the better, I hope.

I do include events that weren’t part of my everyday life, like celebrity deaths. Government referendums. Oil price changes. You think it’s silly? Never, those shape our public conciousness and all the better for it, so why disregard them in our lives?

Here’s my list, have a good read:

  1. I started my job in the advertising industry
  2. I left an abusive relationship and found the best one ever.
  3. I bought my home.
  4. Brexit and Donald Trump.
  5. Pravin Gordhan being charged by the NPA.
  6. My uncle and Gene Wilder both passed away.
  7. I rejoined Facebook.
  8. I met the Ambassador of Portugal in South Africa.
  9. Racist Facebook posts by white people
  10. Admitting that I’m not THAT much of a comedian

Keep Reading

Driving Test – A Comedy Shortfilm

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Check out our latest little comedy shortfilm:

TITLE: Driving Test
TAGLINE: A Driving Instructor struggles to teach a student the basics.
CAST: Joe Emilio, Nelson de Gouveia, Cara Ruthernberg

Debunking the Public Perception – Sitting by a bar with a friend

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Let’s set the scene; I pick up my friend from a section of Voortrekker Road in Bellville and head up to Durbanville to the Meraki Bar.

We both enter, greet the door lady stating we’re comedians, then we head to the bar, order a few drinks, share a box of cigarettes and look over our notes.

“You think people will show up?” I ask.

“Are you kidding? It’s Meraki.” he retorts, before taking a drag, blow smoke up in the air and looks down at his notes.

The promoter ambles by. “Hey guys, we’re ready for tonight’s show?”

We look over into the venue and see the one table occupied by some “youths” cracking jokes in Afrikaans. “Yeah, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.”

But the point of this story is not what you think. Keep Reading

Star Wars vs Star Trek – They’re really the same thing

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I breach the subject of “have you ever seen Star Trek” with random people in my life, both close and acquaintal, and the response is usually the same:

Dude, Star Wars is so much better.

A formidable response, which I oppose but only to equalise the playing field. I myself don’t consider Star Trek better, just that it’s as good. It’s not a space opera, it’s a slow burner. It has more technical know-how but examines the human condition more careful along with actual space battles.

Destroying the Death Star? You’re missing out on the Federation taking out the Dominion in DS9, now THAT was a battle.

I have found though that I can shock people with some nerve-wracking similarities between Star Wars and Star Trek, but in true Nelson fashion I take it one step further by including everyone’s favourite topic…

RELIGION!

Let me reveal the reasons why: Keep Reading

Spaghetti bolognaise – The truth about business success with only one dish

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Once in a while to assess business success, the acumen side of my culture (Portuguese, that is) rages like a solar flare due to some discrepancy in the force, and I’m willing to bet that it harbours no one any mind, but it’s my anger and I can rage if I want to.

I arrived at work Monday and found our in-house deli came up with the following gold mine:

– Main meal: Bolognaise Sauce – R33
– Side: Spaghetti – R5

That’s right. I can order bolognaise sauce a paltry R33.

But, if I wish to make a spaghetti bolognaise meal, I would have to fork out an extra R5.

And let me tell you how I felt… Keep Reading

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