A personal taste of Nelson de Gouveia

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Debunking the Public Perception – Sitting by a bar with a friend

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Let’s set the scene; I pick up my friend from a section of Voortrekker Road in Bellville and head up to Durbanville to the Meraki Bar.

We both enter, greet the door lady stating we’re comedians, then we head to the bar, order a few drinks, share a box of cigarettes and look over our notes.

“You think people will show up?” I ask.

“Are you kidding? It’s Meraki.” he retorts, before taking a drag, blow smoke up in the air and looks down at his notes.

The promoter ambles by. “Hey guys, we’re ready for tonight’s show?”

We look over into the venue and see the one table occupied by some “youths” cracking jokes in Afrikaans. “Yeah, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.”

But the point of this story is not what you think. Keep Reading

Star Wars vs Star Trek – They’re really the same thing

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I breach the subject of “have you ever seen Star Trek” with random people in my life, both close and acquaintal, and the response is usually the same:

Dude, Star Wars is so much better.

A formidable response, which I oppose but only to equalise the playing field. I myself don’t consider Star Trek better, just that it’s as good. It’s not a space opera, it’s a slow burner. It has more technical know-how but examines the human condition more careful along with actual space battles.

Destroying the Death Star? You’re missing out on the Federation taking out the Dominion in DS9, now THAT was a battle.

I have found though that I can shock people with some nerve-wracking similarities between Star Wars and Star Trek, but in true Nelson fashion I take it one step further by including everyone’s favourite topic…

RELIGION!

Let me reveal the reasons why: Keep Reading

Spaghetti bolognaise – The truth about business success with only one dish

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Once in a while to assess business success, the acumen side of my culture (Portuguese, that is) rages like a solar flare due to some discrepancy in the force, and I’m willing to bet that it harbours no one any mind, but it’s my anger and I can rage if I want to.

I arrived at work Monday and found our in-house deli came up with the following gold mine:

– Main meal: Bolognaise Sauce – R33
– Side: Spaghetti – R5

That’s right. I can order bolognaise sauce a paltry R33.

But, if I wish to make a spaghetti bolognaise meal, I would have to fork out an extra R5.

And let me tell you how I felt… Keep Reading

Star Trek 50th Anniversary – 9 Best Moments

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I could not live without seeing another Star Trek go unwritten, especially at the 50th anniversary of its conception and release. So now, here’s mine for you to enjoy.

  1. The Trouble with Tribbles – the ridiculousness of the small creatures that Captain Kirk used to outsmart a Klingon secret agent.
  2. The Rock, appearing in Voyager as a cage fighter and whacking Borg exile Seven of Nine in hand-to-hand laser-tag fisticuffs.
  3. Jeffrey Combs – that versatile actor that appeared in three spin-offs (DS9, Voyager and Enterprise), delivering the insidious, but ultimately doomed line, “The Dominion…will endure long after the Federation has crumbled into dust.”
  4. Captain Picard’s love-life – three actresses captured the stoic leader’s heart, leaving you with a primal urge to shout at the screen, “just be happy, you idiot.” While holding a candle up for Beverly Crusher the entire series, his intensity for Lieutenant Nella Daran catches you off guard.
  5. While speaking of holding a candle for an entire series, at least Odo from DS9 managed to overcome his shyness through jazz and become entangled (literally) with Colonel Kira Nerys over the last season or two.
  6. Worf and prune juice – because his love for rotten eggs wasn’t enough, his love for the Earth beverage became the humanising factor that defined the Klingon with a “don’t give a damn attitude”. Warrior, father, lover, drinker of juice.
  7. Finding out Simon Turner, “Captain Christopher Pike”, was only in the pilot for the original series, and that decision saved the franchise before it leaped into existence.
  8. The demise of Commander Charles Tucker from Enterprise on its last episode – that heartstring got fully tugged, I won’t lie.
  9. Crazy cameos – amongst them Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine, Seth Macfarlane of “Family Guy” and Kelsey Grammar from “Frasier”
emperor ming the merciless and his advice

Cybershrink and his Awful Advice

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So once in a while, I delve into the haunted world of Agony Aunting, otherwise known as “advice”, and this week a guy is having trouble not being in love with a girl who is dating a guy he introduced her to, while still being in a relationship with someone else:

A friend I work with has started dating a woman I have feelings for, they are both unaware of my feelings towards her and I want to keep it that way. I am in a relationship and I love my girlfriend but it still bothers me. They wouldn’t have become acquainted if not for me so I feel doubly stupid. I can only distance myself so much because we work together. He’s a nice guy but constantly talking about it and asking for advice, it would be great if I could just get him to shut up about it.

Here is what this ‘supposed’ psychologist has as an answer:

You are in a relationship with a woman you say you love. How, then, do you feel justified in continuing this secret concern for the other woman, such that you begrudge her a friendship and maybe deeper relationship with someone you know, as a friend, to be a good guy ? Isn’t that what you should want for her ? Or is she on your reserve list, someone to switch to if something goes wrong with your current relationship ? What was “stupid” about having introduced a pair of friends who are apparently happy together ? There’s a rich irony in him asking you for advice on wooing her.  It reminds me of  the famous French story by Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac, splendidly filmed in 1990 with Gerard Depardieu and well worth watching : Cyrano, is deeply romantic but has an enormous nose, which people mock him for, so he feels inadequate and dares not approach the lovely young lady he deeply loves.  Then he is approached by a handsome but rather dim young friend, who has fallen in love with the same woman, and wants help in wooing her.  So Cyrano stands in the shadows, whispering marvelous messages of love for his friend to say loudly to the lady standing in her window above. And in agonies as his words bring her to love his friend, and not himself.   Look it up, it may be instructive

My response to this shitty CyberShrink”Agony Aunt Advice” column which I’ve sent, and waiting to see if it goes live…
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tinder texting while having dinner

Tinder Decoder 2.0: Does she want to date you or destroy you completely?

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I read a lovely piece on W24 entitled “Tinder Decoder: Does he want to date you or just sleep with you?“, a wonderful example of literature lifted entirely from a Grade 10 student’s essay book, the kind that sits forever under that dusty DVD copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” after you’ve watched it with your ex-boyfriend.

I enjoyed it, and the first line caught my eye so:

“Okay, let’s face it, the majority of Tinder users are on the app for one reason and one reason only – to get laid!”

And yes, the little man brandishing his gnarled stick at the sun inside me began to cry havoc and stomp his feet, as I reacted angrily to how double-sided this article was. It’s all just the men, she says, it’s just them that do it, she says, men on Tinder want to fuck women and that’s all they’re there for. Meanwhile, the soft-padded little man inside waited patiently before reminding me:

“She’s right, and you know it. But the other side of the cake has the same frosting.”

So, in the interests of fair play, I’ve come up with a similar list of common traits I’ve found women to have on Tinder:

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mel brooks ten commandments

Nelson’s Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015

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In my vain quest to better myself, I wrote the “Nelson’s Personal Top Ten Commandments Slash Resolutions of 2015”, which I’m printing out and framing somewhere so it looks all cool and stuff:

  1. Thou shalt be funnier
  2. Thou shalt allow thyself more time for creativity
  3. Thou shalt NOT be sequestered into banal activities that succumb thee to procrastination like “videogames” or “let’s go visit my mother”
  4. Thou shalt write some more, including another script. The wise sage Luc Besson wrote “Leon” in 2 weeks and that turned out fucking awesome.
  5. Thou shalt return to a major inner-city comedy club to perform and make the proletariat laugh and giggle at new and fancy shit.
  6. Thou shalt live in a palatial home with a marble…kitchen counter, and a functioning toaster.
  7. Thou shalt NOT use said toaster, as thou hast denied thyself ALL carbs.
  8. Thou shalt stay focused and driven…and by driven, meaning thou shall have sold thy motor-veHEEcle and opt for walking to thy abode of employment
  9. Thou shalt continue to love those near thee, and remember to call at least one person a week for a chat and a debate.
  10. Thou shalt love thyself…and remember that thou were the fastest swimmer out of a couple of trillion others that didn’t make it.
Happy New Year for 2015, everybody.

 

johnny depp pink nails

I painted my pink nails yesterday

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I painted my pink nails yesterday.

It started as a friendly game with my love interest as she straightened her hair, and I looked at the nail polish she had on her table. I picked it up and wondered, “What would she say if I started painting my pink nails?”

We had just returned from a brunch meeting about our relationship, highlighting our differences while keeping our emotions from flying. We intended to be upfront and straight with each other but, I’ll admit, it’s pretty hard. I keep everything close to me, I couldn’t admit being the soft one when the man in me should be huffing and puffing his chest around like a baboon with a huge erection.

Ok, I’m not a baboon. Keep Reading

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