It’s really funny how a year passes and you read how you visualised your future to occur. Not many could have predicted the best moments of 2017’s and the near-cataclysmic opportunities we faced.
Still, it’s all about what we expected to happen versus what really did, and comparing my year now with what I wrote back in 2016 gives me an indication that we aren’t always in control of our lives as much as we’d like, and I’ll point it out in the best moments below:
- Went fishing
- Returned to London
- Grew a beard
- Moved to a new home
- Found a decent company
- Quit smoking
- Opened for Joe’s show
- Presented my films
- Hosted our first Christmas party
Our cleaning lady asked me what the picture was on the TV, a picture of the Spiral M101 galaxy taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. The fact that she didn’t know pained me, as a rural education is often accompanied by religious influence that kept you looking down rather than up, so I began to explain.
“That,” I began, “is a picture of a galaxy. Each one is a star, exactly like our sun and they all revolve around each other.”
“Yes, just like our sun.”
“Is our sun a star?”
“Exactly. And just like how our earth revolves around our sun,” I explained, drawing a crude diagram on my notepad, “each star makes everybody roll around them.”
She pointed to the picture again, “But where is that?”
“That is outside in the galaxy. See, we live in a galaxy and that is a picture of another galaxy we don’t live in.”
“So…does this live overseas?”
I blinked. “Umm…it’s further than that. It’s up in the sky, past all the stars you see now and even beyond.”
“Yoh, God is very funny…”
A famous screenwriter once tweeted, “If you don’t have a bad guy in your story, you just have a dirty piece of paper.”
Jesus had Satan, the evil sins of man and the Romans. Luke had Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine and the stormtroopers. Kirk had Kahn, the Klingons and his own ego. Each story always conveyed a sense of dread and foreboding, personified by an all-powerful entity seething with rage and malevolence. Keep Reading
So Harvey Weinstein is in the firing line for multiple claims of sexual harassment by many people. By women who have experienced encroaching encounters with the film producer, and many men who claim to have witnessed the same.
I find that my relationships tended to always be one-sided. Either my ex-girlfriends, any of them, would be hormonal, raging lunatics with paranoid schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders ranging from “delightful” to “get me strawberries in winter”.
Or, controversially, very good people that required I look up now and again from my phone.
Thankfully, I’ve grown up now and in the loving embrace of a partner that, a. takes delight in seeing me venture into a debris of silliness and b. encourages myself in all my cheer and melancholy to welcome her along with me.
We’re a fun bunch, especially and specifically with each other, and less importantly with other people who take heart in knowing that we will leave the room a little lighter but vexing in uninformaty.
“What, you’ve only fought once in a year?” That’s right, yes we have.
This may take you into a mind ethic you didn’t need, but sex between us is not a chore. Not for me, at least. I was expected, even required, to perform both in the art of sex but even in it’s preparation. Foreplay, as you no doubt are aware, is not an addendum in the dating contract, but a requirement blaring at you with sirens and bells.
And before, it was as extrenuous a duty as putting the kettle on in the morning.
But now, it’s as fun an activity to pursue as hiking. Yes, in both I’m climbing and someone’s grunting, but now you get to stay put and watching Star Trek together in the doggy-style position, a feat no human should die without trying.
And the art of dry humping is so lost today. We take it for granted because it doesn’t sound as romantic or enticing as candles in a bath and aromatherapy pulsating through the air. No, dry humping starts the show and gets the fireworks going, right before the crescendo and the throngs exit left.
I have strived to remain neutral in this world of men and women, my body slowly decompressing into a fested mush of chocolate and coffee (the two staple diets of a procrastinator), unfit to join those that think that visiting Rocque Gym is as important as using a toilet to pee. But now, instead of complying with the multitudes, I’ve found my ideal partner.
A woman that makes sense of the insular world I live in, a companion with her own subtle quirks that make me fall in love with her again, over and over. She’s a blessed angel, a perfect hegemony of form and flavour. Without her, chocolate and coffee might as well be the MTV music channel…with no music.
So your boss wants to know 7 things about South Africa, but is completely too afraid to ask.
And we’re talking relevant questions by the water-cooler in case he looks stupid or worse. Like bankruptcy, divorce and gout.
Don’t fret though, here’s a fantastic list of alternative facts about South Africa you can pass along to your employer in the form of an anonymous Post-It note sitting underneath his mouse. Keep Reading
If it’s not motivational posts on Facebook or Twitter, it’s click-baiting posts about motivational people showing off their ideas on how to get motivated.
And quite frankly, if I’m not doing the same, I’m being left behind. So here’s my Top 10 things people should do to get motivated.
- Stop being around shitty people.
- Be around better people.
- If someone wants something, tell them to leave a note on the huge pile nearby.
- If someone wants something, tell them it costs them a Twinkie, or something of equal value.
- Put earphones on and listen to Queen.
- Do something interesting once a day.
- Stop doing boring things every day.
- Be happy and grateful you have the ability to do awesome things.
- If someone says something stupid, be kind. It’s because they’re stupid, so help them.
- Reward yourself with a Twinkie someone gave you.