So your boss wants to know 7 things about South Africa, but is completely too afraid to ask.
And we’re talking relevant questions by the water-cooler in case he looks stupid or worse. Like bankruptcy, divorce and gout.
Don’t fret though, here’s a fantastic list of alternative facts about South Africa you can pass along to your employer in the form of an anonymous Post-It note sitting underneath his mouse.
The South African President is a survivor.
He suffered enslavement like most from the apartheid era, along with incarceration and incidents of mortal danger we may never know.
But Jacob Zuma has also run the gauntlet through accusations of corruption, rape, defeating the cause of the Constitution and generally not know where to put his toys where he likes without ruining the economy one currency at a time.
That hit us hard because, you know, we had a small spike of improvement and the momentum was scuppered.
Despite it all, he’s kept in power by the faceless masked men hidden beneath the puppet theatre, to satisfy their financial and influential requirements.
Bear Grylls needs a Swiss Army Knife to survive. Our president just needs a wig and a cellphone, and he’s our Donald Trump.
Table Mountain is our little budget Kilimanjaro.
While hiking has been a tradition amongst the worthy since the dawn of humankind, there’s a special privilege bestowed on the worthy few to buy overpriced but comfortable footwear and slog across Table Mountain’s beautiful face and cracks of geological cellulite.
It’s so popular today that enthusiasts chronologise their endeavours up a hillside or navigations through valleys using popular imaging platform Instagram, displays feats of endurance in time for their next monthly Tinder profile update.
The vernacular term for climbing up a hill has been affectionately known for years here as “a dandy jaunt”, but only if you don’t get mugged by entrepreneurial locals.
Cape Town and Johannesburg are a sibling rivalry
“My toy is better than yours!” – “Nuh uh!”
Just as you scolded with narcissistic delight at beating your own sibling to the punch, Cape Town and Johannesburg share a similar belt of consciousness, echoing countless eons of emotion of people literally bored out of their minds with what they have and moaning the other city has other stuff that’s cooler.
Cape Town is the beach city, the warmer climes but more appropriate methods of cooling off. Johannesburg has the plentiful opportunities and room for growth as an individual. Each function quite humbling in a growing economy of selfishness and sadist spirit.
So it’s only fair to expect locals, used to their environment, to taunt from the outskirts with their breeches high and low-fat foam lattes spilling coffee all the floor.
Racism has not disappeared, only economised
All I watch and read on the news all day is the politicians and unions sling mud and shit against each other, but ultimately blaming “white monopoly capital” for holding down both the economy and the disenfranchised people that it is owed to.
Do I believe it? Yes, just as I believe in anything I have no real evidence to confirm and only through the word of a few influential citizens voicing their opinion and stirring the masses for their own gain. They obviously learnt a lot from religion.
Racism hasn’t left, it’s been priced and packaged as a democratic tool to be pulled out at opportune times. The real tragedy is that it’s still in stock.
We’re the best destination for cash-strapped TV/film productions
Of course it is. Avengers screwed up mid-town Johannesburg, Denzel Washington murdered people near Malmesbury, and recently people stole fencing from the pirate sailors near Stellenbosch.
What’s he best way to re-enact pirates out in the Caribbean ocean, quite like building a set next to a wine town?
This is the record-holding country with the most divorces amongst single men
I see them walking down the streets in a haze. Like a bomb landed on their house and they emerge the sole survivor, wandering the lands in a dusty, soundless haze, searching for purpose and meaning once again.
Yes, the majority of single men we meet are divorcees who try to rekindle their passion for a single human once again. Where once pride and motivation stood, now lies a filthy wreck with unshaved balls and cheap musk to hide their shame. A pity.
Wrestling is our national sport
Wrestling is our national sport because we’re constantly wrestling with our white guilt. I don’t know where to go further with that, but it’s my battle every day.
So, in case your company finds financial potential in beautiful South aFrica, take heed before they walk out of the airport and into a cab. You guilt starts….now.