A personal taste of comedy

emperor ming the merciless and his advice

Cybershrink and his Awful Advice

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So once in a while, I delve into the haunted world of Agony Aunting, otherwise known as “advice”, and this week a guy is having trouble not being in love with a girl who is dating a guy he introduced her to, while still being in a relationship with someone else:

A friend I work with has started dating a woman I have feelings for, they are both unaware of my feelings towards her and I want to keep it that way. I am in a relationship and I love my girlfriend but it still bothers me. They wouldn’t have become acquainted if not for me so I feel doubly stupid. I can only distance myself so much because we work together. He’s a nice guy but constantly talking about it and asking for advice, it would be great if I could just get him to shut up about it.

Here is what this ‘supposed’ psychologist has as an answer:

You are in a relationship with a woman you say you love. How, then, do you feel justified in continuing this secret concern for the other woman, such that you begrudge her a friendship and maybe deeper relationship with someone you know, as a friend, to be a good guy ? Isn’t that what you should want for her ? Or is she on your reserve list, someone to switch to if something goes wrong with your current relationship ? What was “stupid” about having introduced a pair of friends who are apparently happy together ? There’s a rich irony in him asking you for advice on wooing her.  It reminds me of  the famous French story by Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac, splendidly filmed in 1990 with Gerard Depardieu and well worth watching : Cyrano, is deeply romantic but has an enormous nose, which people mock him for, so he feels inadequate and dares not approach the lovely young lady he deeply loves.  Then he is approached by a handsome but rather dim young friend, who has fallen in love with the same woman, and wants help in wooing her.  So Cyrano stands in the shadows, whispering marvelous messages of love for his friend to say loudly to the lady standing in her window above. And in agonies as his words bring her to love his friend, and not himself.   Look it up, it may be instructive

My response to this shitty CyberShrink”Agony Aunt Advice” column which I’ve sent, and waiting to see if it goes live…

Maybe you shouldn’t consider advise from this Frederick Nietzche-inspired megalomaniac, since his advice can be more readily found in a Chappies packet, opened and found trampled upon and then used by a homeless person as cheap toilet paper after a hard night drinking sacks of wine contemplating his existence.

You should definitely pine for her, feel crap about the advice your friend keeps asking. Don’t move forward with the current relationship you’re in and immerse yourself in the guilt and shame that comes with distance affection. Eventually it’ll play out like this:

– You’ll eventually get dumped for not treating your current girlfriend AS a girlfriend.

– Your two friends will take their relationship to the next level and propose to each other

– One drunken evening, sitting on your little sleeper couch in that bachelor pad next to the railroad you hate so much, you’ll get drunk on Glenlivet whisky and drunk-dial a text to said friend

– They’ll message you the next day asking for a coffee and reach an agreement that your friendship may not be critical to their growth as a couple

– You’ll head back to the rest of your life, accept that the person you wanted to be with doesn’t want you, and choose to either move on with it, move away to a new city or country, find a new hobby, make new friends and fall in love all over again

– Or take drugs or commit suicide under a bridge

Either way, you’re not getting the girl you’re in love with right now, and CyberShrink is an idiot.

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