I read a lovely piece on W24 entitled "Tinder Decoder: Does he want to date you or just sleep with you?", a wonderful example of literature lifted entirely from a Grade 10 student's essay book, the kind that sits forever under that dusty DVD copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" after you've watched it with your ex-boyfriend.
I enjoyed it, and the first line caught my eye so:
"Okay, let's face it, the majority of Tinder users are on the app for one reason and one reason only - to get laid!"
And yes, the little man brandishing his gnarled stick at the sun inside me began to cry havoc and stomp his feet, as I reacted angrily to how double-sided this article was. It's all just the men, she says, it's just them that do it, she says, men on Tinder want to fuck women and that's all they're there for. Meanwhile, the soft-padded little man inside waited patiently before reminding me:
"She's right, and you know it. But the other side of the cake has the same frosting."
So, in the interests of fair play, I've come up with a similar list of common traits I've found women to have on Tinder:
Tinder Decoder 2.0: Does she want to date you or destroy you completely?
You've lived the life, hung out with the pals and dated the girls. You've paid your dues in restaurants, movies and flowers, and yet somehow you can't find that one female companion everybody else seems to find so easily.
And then you head over to Tinder, the cellphone application that allows you to match up with random strangers in your area for dating or otherwise. You log on looking for entertainment, maybe someone sweet to hang out with, talk to, enjoy some frolicking if you're lucky, and if you're really lucky, the true one.
But the effort is time-consuming; there's so many similar-looking mares frolicking in the digital meadow to chase after and most of them are on Tinder purely to redeem their individuality by destroying yours, taking revenge on the arseholes that hurt them.
How to cull the herd of the vengeance-seeking succubi lurking behind their Android keyboards? Here's the sure-fire signs you'll need to avoid.
Yes, we know where Table Mountain is and what it looks like. It's prevalent across all Tinder profiles, but more so here in Cape Town due to our lovely hill lurking behind every building window and corporate logo. The ladies that post their selfies or group photos of themselves scaling the vistas of our natural monument can mean only one thing.
She's better than you, and she's reminding you of that.
So take care when matching with yoga pants-splitting Sarah from Durban who's moved to Cape Town and is "living the life." She's living the life that hasn't got you in it and she'll destroy every fibre in your being if you even dare to intrude with your "I've hiked up there too, what's the big deal" statement you've got prepared on your keypad.
If you're only looking for a hook-up, swipe left!
No sweat, we know what to do. But what if we're decent, we swipe right and YOU'RE the one that would only sleep with us once and move on?
"OMG Sharon, he seemed cute, but once I slept with him, I just knew he wasn't the one." Swipe left yourselves, ladies, swipe left.
I'm so eager to meet you
That can play on a guy's ego. 'Wow, I spoke so well even I surprised myself with some of the tripe I came up with, and within 24 hours she's hungry for a full-on #smooshface? This is a dream come true.'
Hang on to your Whatsapp there, fellas, is there such a thing as a eager Tinder from the girl's side? No, not when you meet a coffee shop and she blurts out:
"So glad you could make it. My dad just died and I needed the distraction."
And as sudden as a thunder-strike, you're getting a phone-call. "Hello? This is your common sense speaking. You've left a package with your testicles here, would you like to pick them up?"
Which one is she, you wonder? Yip, each photo loaded on her profile shows how popular and friendly she is, and it endears to your sensibility as you're a sociable, out-going guy yourself. Her friends can meet our friends eventually, and we can all have a jolly good time; the fatal thought running through your head like a bullet through a nursery.
Except those are all her college friends that she left behind years ago. She's moved to the city and is now on the prowl for a man with his own friends that she can latch onto, leaving you in the lurch once she banishes you from her vagina and their love, and you're left with questions like, "Why don't they call back anymore?" or "I could've sworn I met them first."
They're just close-ups
The antithesis of the group shot, the Close-up masks the true nature of the panther that roams the Tinder jungle looking for the deer in her headlights.
She is not happy with her body; while the opposite is true of the self-loving troglodytes with public profiles, at least the comfortable ones aren't afraid of how they look shoulders and up, let alone pants and down.
But if the closest to cute you're finding about her is how curvy her earlobe is because that's all you can see, you may want to match her just so you can say:
"Please, love yourself first before you try to find someone else to do so."
I'm a God-fearing Christian
And there ends any hope of it being an open-minded relationship right there.
Note that I haven't mentioned race, colour or creed, and I didn't bring up single mothers as one to avoid; if anything, you would be so lucky if you found a successful woman with kids that would find any interest in your sorry ass.
But rest assured, the world is full of freaks and weirdos, genuine idiots and conniving arseholes, but those that flaunt their pecks and only wish to shag you with their peni do not hold a monopoly on the "ones-to-avoid" category themselves.