Ok, I'll let you in on a little secret, I let the little things get to me.
The SMALLEST little bloody things.
Whether it be the move someone makes in their car that annoys me by a fraction of a millimetre, the ignorance of another's venomous speech where they proclaim in a terribly loud voice, "HOW DO YOU NOT LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER??" or someone I've never met before in my entire life adds me the one day on Twitter, and unfollows me the next.
I'm tracking who has unfollowed me. I'm a reverse f***ing stalker!
What has this got to do with quitting the cigarettes? Because it's over a decade of relying on a chemical to make me feel better, and not the obvious choice of not letting tiny, miniscule little facets to enter my brain, run around like a fat kid in the kid's section of a kid's restaurant where parents groan and waiters moan, and then run out with all the toys yelling for their moms to take them home and lay them down to sleep.
I'm dependent on the cigarettes when things go awry. Like recently, my ex-girlfriend has hung around the comedy night I produce. And no, I'm not going into the details of WHY it annoys me, I'm just going to mention it so you can understand how little I feel, how selfish I am and how all this is beneath me and how I should stand up to the fact and blah blah blah, yakkity yakkity yakkity.
And then, I told someone last night, "Dig Deep." Wow, two words I have been afraid to believe in. Dig deep. It's the effect George Carlin had on Louis CK that made him change his way of thinking about stand-up, and perhaps life. Same with me, I'm digging deep. I have constantly sought approval from everyone when I haven't even looked at myself and said, "Nelson, how you look is ATROCIOUS! Stop wearing jeans like you earn them, throw them into the fire of fashion hell and get some slacks. You'll look like a crazy professor, but at least it's closer to the image people will accept of you than anything else you'll manage to make."
But it's not just that; I've never looked into myself for the work I really would like to do. Say, how about I give up the job and write full-time? Can you?
Yes, yes you can.
Can you earn from it? Not at first, no, you'll have to do odd jobs to make ends meet, but it'll inspire your writing.
Can you stop smoking? Mmmm?
Yes I CAN!!! Don't let those little things that you allow to intrude into your seemingly wonderful little world get to you. You ignore the people that wish you to be amazing, telling you how fantastic you are, and consistently focus on "I was awful for being emotionally abusive" or "I should've been more attentive". No, you're not smoking.
As a reward, for every day I do not smoke, I will write one blog post about something, anything or nothing. The day has come when the only person I disappoint...is myself. And if you're disappointed, I politely apologise.
This ends the lesson.