In this day and age of personal wariness of solicitous emails from foreign nationals claiming to transfer money from African accounts to yours via a Nigeria scam, I'm still surprised that malicious scoundrels as yet have not given up on the possibility that I would comply with their complimentary correspondence.
So, without further ado, let's poke fun:
Dear Friend,I am Mr. Diallo T.Alidu, Home Address: 15 kolughu naaba avenue, Age: 45years old. Marital status: married with 3 children. Occupation: banker. Working at the auditing and accounting department, BANK OF AFRICA (B .O. A) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West Africa, with due respects and regard I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.
With due respects and regard? Aww bless, thank you, I appreciate someone I've never met that wants to take my money regards me and respects me. And thanks for your address, I'm sending you a sample of my poo.
I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day.
Phew, and there was me being apprehensive and worried.
I came to know you in my Private Search for a Reliable and Reputable Person to handle this Confidential Transaction, which involves the transfer of huge sum of Money to a Foreign Account requiring Maximum Confidence.
I'm more concerned you found me in a Private Search, considering I have a public blog and Twitter. But at least you've instilled maximum confidence in me by writing it with Capital Letters.
During an annual auditing of Account's in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died in a tragic plane crash on the Lenana Peak, Mount Kenya, Saturday, the 19th day of July, 2003 together with his wife Jean, three of their children and their spouses, and four grandchildren, since then his fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before discovery to this development.
Wow, a whole three generations of family wiped away in a plane crash over a mountain. Are you sure they weren't wiped out when the raft got overturned in the ocean (yes, sounds racist, but in practical terms, this email is stupid, so please indulge me.)
The said amount was U.S $8.2M (Eight million, two hundred thousand United States dollars).In fact I could have done this transaction alone but because of my position in the country as a civil servant (A Banker), we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.
"A Banker" is a civil cervant in Burkina-Faso? Ahh, the dictionary for criminals was slightly amended there too. Also, only ONE eye brow?????
This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavits of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where you will need the money to be transferred into on your request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from, to your own designation bank account.
To be fair, I got bored after you called me "fellow".
I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 45% of the total sum as gratification, while 55% will be for me, also you have to understand that you and i will put hands together to make any expenses that will come up in this transaction and any expenses that you and I make will be deducted from the fund immediately the bank transfer the fund into your account before sharing.
In keeping with my training as a student of the English language, I would have to say that "transaction" and "smooth conclusion" makes you sound like a former extra in a Michael Jackson music video turned magnanimous fool.
Please, you have been advice to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I have concluded this transaction with you.
I have been "advice", people, you read it here first.
I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice me to invest in. All other necessary, vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.
I'm imagining a man in front of an array of monitors...naked and jerking off to all the "mail sent" messages you see. Twat.
I look forward to receive your reply urgently. Show your readiness to assist me in this transaction by replying this proposal as early as possible and I want you to assure me of your capability of handling this transfer with trust by giving me the following information's about yourself:
Sir yes sir! You can count on your assurance of my capability in following your stupid commands, SIR!
1) Your age:...............................2
2) Your occupation:.......................Durr.
3) Are you married?:...............................How many wives can I have?
4) Your mobile phone number.:...............................0800 Durrr.
5) Your location and full address......As far away from you as possible.
6) Scan and send a copy of your identity card to me. :...............................Google me.
7) Your Fax Number: :...............................0800 Fax Durrr.
8) Sex:.:...............................How many wives have you got?
I will tell you how you can apply to the bank as soon as i receive your response towards this mail. Extend my greetings to your family and we should please try and have trust on each other in this transaction so that we shall achieve our aim together.
My family would love to hear from you, although they understand if you can't make it to the next annual "let's fuck up a stupid person" barbeque meet-up.
Do not take this very transaction as a joke; I need your full co-operation to make this work fine. Because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you. Now I have been convinced that you are capable and will meet up with this transaction of B.O.A Bank of Africa .
I don't take this transaction as a joke, I swear. Just your email. There's a difference.
I need your strong assurance that you will never let me down in this transaction, so you reply and ask me how you can apply for the text of application form of claim of the deceased fund from the bank. It is the foreign remittance departments that are responsible for transference of fund into your account over there.
Really? I mean, of what form of when of what who now?
KINDLY GET BACK TO ME WITH MY PRIVATE ADDRESS: firstname.lastname@example.org
Have you not received a reply from me? My email is Nicolas_sarkozy_sexy_2009@ole.fr
Mr. Diallo T.Alidu.
You're not welcome, yours
Mr Not Interested, QC