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Movie Trailer Watch – September Edition “WTF Trailers”

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In this month’s Movie Trailer Watch, I point out the few arrivals that make me stop, rewatch and think, “WTF?” Those WTF trailers that don’t really show exactly what’s going on or understand their meaning. Alternatively, they have seemingly crazy summaries that make you wonder, “WTF?”

A Wrinkle in Time

Chris Pine and Oprah Winfrey star in a film about time travel. It’s a time travel show featuring wonderful sets, gorgeous graphics and visuals that will spin you out of control. I think that pretty much covers it, unless you can tell me what the plot is, then I’ll include it here.

The Commuter

Liam Neeson sits in a chair and is suddenly given an offer he CAN refuse, but doesn’t. Why though? I mean why the f***?

Thelma

A Norwegian sci-fi fest about a girl with supernatural ability falling in love with another girl and being tested. Nicely shot, everyone’s thin and the message of diversity against your own mind plays quite well. But again, WTF?

Better Watch Out

America has its share of horrors, thrillers and comedy, but throw all three into a mix and you get a WTF trailer that gives you an unexpected surprise. Enjoy it.

Nola Circus

This movie is bonkers, pure bonkers and the title gives nothing of it away. The central plot is about money and jealousy, love and jealousy, sex and jealousy. And Afros, so many Afros. It looks too crazy to be real but here it is, someone paid money for it and it’s on.

Hostiles

Christian Bale puts on his best Batman voice with a bulldog moustache, facing off against other people that don’t like him out in the Wild West. Rosamund Pike supports with a solid American accent, but you have to ask where it came from. I mean, what is this movie about???

Top Five Classic Comedy Villains You Need To See

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Every podcast with most veterans will include a soundbite that goes something along the lines of “I love playing the villain.”

The antagonist is the best thing about a movie, regardless of the protagonist chosen as the film’s blockbuster drawcard. From Gary Oldman in Dracula, to Darth Vader in Star Wars.

And in comedy, it’s no different. Here’s my Top Five Classic Comedy Villains you have to see.

Alan Rickman in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”

While Jesse Eisenberg’s performance as Lex Luthor in Batman v Superman “chewed the furniture”, Alan Rickman gorged upon his lines with relish…and mustard.

It had tremendously help from Kevin Kostner’s wooden Robin Hood to make Rickman’s antics and larky comments that much richer.

Gary Oldman in “The Fifth Element”

In stand-up a joke can be told the same way throughout, yet the performance will constantly change the nuances of the punchlines. And one could’ve delivered a better “Jean-Baptist Emannuel Zorg” quite like theatre great Gary Oldman.

This multi-layered Brit lavishes his character with a Southern drawl and neurotic energy that can never be copied, imitated or perfected.

Thomas F Wilson in “Back to the Future”

Range is a gift and a talent for any actor, and Thomas F Wilson’s many turns as “Biff Tannen” in Back to the Future.

Consider this: he played a rambunctious teenager twice, a self-made business bully and a subservient lacky, a conniving old man AND a villainous, dirty cowboy. Across three movies. I’m still trying to think of a more widely known role any other actor has yet achieved.

Oh and coolest fact I’ve found about a movie yet, Back to the Future is banned in China as they consider time travel “disrespects history.” This means that, potentially, half of the world has never seen Back to the Future.

Rick Moranis in “Spaceballs”

For all the choices above, this list needs a campy, straight-shooting actor who knows when to have fun, and Rick Moranis shone in Mel Brook’s Lucas-blessed parody “Space Balls”.

He provided everything a comedic director would ask for, “Just go out there and be funny.” and Moranis definitely did.

G.W. Bailey in “Police Academy”

While R Lee Eremy as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in “Full Metal Jacket” epitomised true military authority most teenagers despised, G.W. Bailey’s turn as the underrated leader Lieutenant Harris in “Police Academy” galvanised the comedic version.

Campy and Napoleonic, the character was the butt of the group’s jokes and the source of recalcitrance for many a youth then and today.

And there you have it. Hope this cheered up your day from the long weekend.

Top 5 Classic Comedy Moments for Monday Survival

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Everyone needs a pick-me-up on a Monday, ranging from coffee by the watercooler through to gossip by the expresso machine. Comedy, though, is nice too.

And here, for your viewing pleasure, are the top 5 choices of the funniest movie and TV scenes from classic comedies that’ll perk you right up.

1. Inspector Clouseau in “The Pink Panther Strikes Again” – 1976

Back when it was fashionable to be racist and popularise Eastern culture with Western influences, we overlooked the vindictive comments when slapstick got involved.

None more so than Peter Sellers’ inept detective battling it out with Burt Kwouk’s line-in manservant in his doomed apartment. The choreography was outstanding and mixing the editing speeds kept you guessing where they’ll take you next in one of many similar scenes that rehashed a joke that never got old.

2. Frank Drebin in “The Naked Gun 2 1/2 – The Smell of Fear” -1991

I could run off a great number of scenes from all of Leslie Nielsen’s portrayals of the hapless police detective (seems to be a theme), but none better than one of the best end credits imaginable from the shortlived “Police Squad” TV series he began in.

It took the common theme of pausing on a frame to start the end credits and turned it on its head. Enjoy.

3. Antichrist in “The Gods Must Be Crazy” – 1980

Louw Verwey’s Sam Boga named their broken-down truck “the Antichrist” due to how difficult it was to fix. Sadly, I couldn’t find a clip of his masterful performance, but what you can see of  Marius Weyer’s Andrew Steyn struggling to get it out of the water, the name seems well deserved.

A true classic, even if mired in controversy due to the exploitation of the native Nyae Nyae people and the South African government paying for it.

 

 

 

4. Hudson Hawk and Tommy Two Tone in “Hudson Hawk – 1991

Many thanks to Carmen J Ali for pointing out I didn’t publish number 4. You can find her on her Twitter, Instagram or her Blog.

One of Bruce Willis’s more underpanned roles, a jazz-swinging cat burglar, the film suffered from pastiche antagonists and desperate McGuffin’s to get the plot rolling, but the outlandish script was cute, cuddly and non-threatening.

The highlight being Willis’s love for jazz and incorporating the best rendition of “Swinging on a Star” as a tool mechanic for timing their robbery. Classic no matter what anyone says.

 5. Various characters in “Top Secret!” – 1984

It should really be number one, but saving the best for last and the Zuckers and Abrahams team start their movie franchise with a flawless pisstake of World War 2 films.

It also offered Val Kilmer is debut AND leading film role, hamming it up as American signer Nick Rivers trying to heal the world with rock ‘n roll blonde Elvis tunes. But the credit goes to all the actors as they make the comedy count in every turn.

Don’t forget to hook me up at my Twitter or Instagram accounts for more funny stuff.

Savvy Granny – How my mom knows more than I do

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While I was away in London, my mother grew up and became a savvy granny.

She’s a 71 year-old Margaret Thatcher matriarch of the Portuguese community within Cape Town’s Northern Suburbs, with fellow residents from as far afield as Paarl travelling down to get their age-old sequin dresses hemmed and stitched by her soft and wrinkled yet experienced hands. She doesn’t quite skateboard down steep hills or listen to thrash metal locked away in her bedroom but, like a teenager squabbling to her parents for the next Nokia, she seeks out new experiences with youthful aplomb.
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Movie Trailer Watch – July edition

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Wow, two blog posts in one day. Peculiar, no?

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about which movies to look forward to in the new year or next, and thinking that I’d like for people to get to know me more, I thought that not only do I forward through recommendations of trailers I like, but also what I think of them.

So…tada.

Total Recall

Colin Farrell takes over the remake reins from Arnie in what should be August’s most talked-about science fiction reworking since Metropolis director Fritz Lang thought, “Wow, wouldn’t a typewriter look cool in gold with boobs?”

After the mind-warping process instigated by a TMZ-inspired John Cho in awful but futuristic peroxide hair, Douglas Quaid is bestowed with lightning reflexes and quick-trigger tenacities while being assisted convolutedly by Jessica Biel driving a floating car, keeping the setting in line with all of Phillip K. Dick’s endless supplies of short stories.

The fact that Kate Beckinsale fills Sharon Stone’s role as the semi-demon wife wishing ill-will on his person makes the whole two-minute affair avoiding yet another episode of How I Met Your Mother on my family’s television extremely appealing and gives the “share this on Facebook” factor extremely high.

Craigslist Joe

Craigslist Joe rides the Morgan Spurlock wave with a new, possibly bland, protagonist (albeit a guy that seems like he’s condoms with all three girlfriends in his life, at least) as he tries to pinpoint how social media broke down America’s sense of community by living completely off Craigslist, evil competitor to antipodean powerhouse Gumtree, for one month.

And by living off, I mean have no contact with friends or family, travelling through America asking for room and board in exchange for potential users seeking favours of any kind. In one scene, <insert cute voice> our hero <close cute voice> helps a middle-aged woman addicted to hoarding various goods with organising her hapless little junk empire, so that he may have a piece of bread and a floor to sleep on.

I can’t help but feel jealous from this ultra-scary but über-cool attempt (ok, it’s not that scary if he had a camera crew following him everywhere) at travelling hassle-free of job-searching and paying tax, while establishing the fundamental flaw of America’s sociological make-up through the beginning of the 21st Century. One brief positive note: he loses a lot of weight along the way.

Cue Hollywood sabbatical diet treatment?

Ted

There are few men in this that can do what they like and actually can claim, with absolute sincerity, that they bring joy to the world, with everyone else agreeing with those people AND without fear of violent reprisal. That excludes President al-Assad of Syria (in fact, all presidents), Lord Sebastian Coe of the London Olympics, the South African Consulat representative in London that was an absolute bastard towards me, and a Somalian child soldier.

Who is included is Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane, and for that sir, I thank you…graciously, for sending us Ted, his first motion picture that nearly almost avoided animation whatsoever if it didn’t include an animated teddy bear that humps a supermarket scan machine to impress a pretty girl.

Alongside Mark Wahlberg, sporting incredible magical powers as a little boy that wills his plush toy into existence, Ted grows up fuelled by an overactive sex-drive and a penchant for bong-smoking afternoons on the couch. But like any dirty-talking best friend, he gets ousted from the shared apartment by Mark’s needy girlfriend Mila Kunis, voice of the ever-denied, ever-hated and totally diatribed Meg Griffin.

I want to see this wonderful movie made by the world’s luckiest man (he missed boarding one of the 9/11 planes while en-route to pitch Family Guy to Fox) and, being stuck here in South Africa, I can’t wait for it to reach our boxed-in shores.

Love Star Trek much?

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There are few subjects I can usually relate to people about. Sports are as functional to me as sex, I just don’t know the people performing in both. Even an ex-girlfriend successfully stood me up when I tried to open up the fuel-tank for a van I hired to move home.

But I love Star Trek…hold onto your ridges, Mister Worf.
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Going Offline – Day 23: All this open space…

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So what has happened since my deep and tearful goodbye from the virtuous existence of cyber-stalking my nephews and former loves?
Nothing…nothing’s happened.

But I can tell you I feel less than interested about returning to the site on a regular basis to read about what sort of pancake mc-enema someone’s had two weeks ago on the coast of Costa Da Whateva with their moronic brood of inter-spacial Martian children hanging from their steel-girdered nipples conversing in an unintelligible language consisting of clicks and farts.

Seriously, I am.

Yesterday, you may not believe this…but as I walked outside the place I live in, I actually…ok, you’ll be shocked…I, totally, said hello to a stranger. Would you believe that, a complete stranger, someone I had never met, outside my abode, my safe place previously reserved by me to sit in front of my Dell screen clicking on status updates while eating cookies (not biscuits)…and I said yes to them.

I may be writing this sarcastically, but in reality I was more concerned now with what someone has going on around them at that very moment, which are the real moments we keep losing out on every day sitting in front of our electronic communications devices. I betcha Kirk didn’t envisage that when we was strutting through the decks of the Enterprise trying to out-strut Spock.

Which is f***ing insane…Spock’s struts are legendary, even his people turn an eyebrow.

Anyway, I’m glad I’m not on there. And so far, I’m enjoying it. Here’s some recommendations:

  • www.tedisreal.com – A funny movie coming out in August with Mark Walhberg and Mila Kunis, and a VERY rude teddy-bear voiced by Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane
  • Game of Thrones is back for a second season, and the first two episodes have been gloriously evil and deliciously dirty with a hint of medieval fantasy. Find it.
  • Community is midway on it’s third season with a turbulent war in the making between Troy and Abed. You can’t miss the best friendship group I’ve never been in myself, duh!
  • Pancakes….just simply pancakes, there’s not enough of ’em and there’s nowhere enough around me to enjoy.

Peace out, lovely amigos, I’m working tonight at the Painted Grin show in Benny’s Bar, come down and enjoy!

Going Offline – Day 13: 24 Hour Limits

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So, as I’ve been reactivating and deactivating my account, stating that I spend too much time on Facebook, the lovely feature it imposes on you is to set a 24 hour wait limit every time you log in to reactivate.

In other words, once you deactivate, you return to reactivate and THEN it says you have to wait a full day.

This is marvelous.

Not only do I ensure that no spammers keep sending me crappy mails telling me to join their group OR come to their show, but now I can literally limit the time I spend on the site itself.

It’s a mental hospital locking you up in a cell for drug abuse, and you’re left screaming.

It’s also…not working, as I’m now spending time on Twitter.

See? Addictive personalities need an addiction to cling on to, may it be substances (alcohol, cigarettes, drugs) or other forms of deprecation that hurts themselves or others…perhaps I can developer a sexual addiction where I just stop caring about rejection, approach every fanny I fall on and then tell them to bugger off.

Thankfully, my newest ones are Twitter, performing comedy shows and watching Star Trek. I swear, if I’m at least funny, I think I can do well being a loser twat with a currently-shaved making people giggle at my insecurities.

Have a happy and joyous weekend, people, and I’ll see you on Twitter (check the panel on the right for details on Twitter and gigs)

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