A personal taste of comedy

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Are your dogs barking for your attention?

in Life by
dogs barking

In my own little world this morning, I walked past someone’s house and was shocked out of my reverie by dogs barking, two little pedigree bull terriers to be exact.

And commonly humans perceive that they’re just protecting their home from intruders, but my brain went a little overboard with new possibilities.

What if they are just barking to get your attention?

Like little kids that pluck your jean flaps trying to tell you something, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” and you respond, “What?”, only for the answer to be…

…”Nothing.”

Maybe dogs are just trying to tell you something as you pass by, like “Hey! Hey! Hey! You! Hey! I’ve got something to tell you!”

If you’re inquisitive, turn around, approach said doggy and ask, “What is it, boy, little Jimmy fell down the well?”

Here are the possible answers:

  • I just saw a cat!
  • Have you seen my balls?
  • My master is really tall.
  • It’s my ball, it’s my ball, it’s my ball!
  • You smell like cherries.
  • I haven’t smelt a butt in dayyysss….

Or examples thereof.

WhatsApp Status – The new feature that should remain old

in Life by
Whatsapp

Whatsapp has come a long way from the days when the engineers that built it were denied a job at Facebook. Now, Jan Koum and Brian Acton are two happy men. With money.

Lots of it, in fact. Around $19 billion. For Whatsapp.

Well, no, since we’re so silly to think they’re both living Scrooge McDuck lives and jumping off a diving board into gold coins.

And now they’ve come up with a new feature stolen from someone who stole it from someone who thought it was a cool feature to attract teens with low esteem.

Whatsapp Status – a 24 hour content stream that lets you upload an image or video about anything and everything, and disappears the next day.

Why?

I mean why on Whatsapp, what is the point? On Snapchat, I could understand since its a instantaneous “here and gone”, pretty much the original thoughts that enter and leave young people’s minds right before they take a “serrrllffiiiieeee”.

And then it ventured onto Instagram, the grownup version, providing sexy people with the opportunity to show off their abs and butts without waiting for the tabloids to do so.

But it made sense there; Instagram is a public tool, allowing strangers to wangle into your storefront and stare blandly at the goods. And the platform, thanks to their algorithms that detected female nipples and overall genitalia, became as trusted a family social tool as Christmas dinner.

Whatsapp is reserved for your friends and family though, and your vanity is limited to the few that really care or technically don’t. So is this new feature an actually ploy to grab further users (they doubled they userbase in the past two years to around 1.2 billion) or trying to be relevant in a landscape with the “same old same old”?

The instant gratification of a few seconds of “status” still intrigues me, yet I have been unable to obtain a plausible reason why. I ask those around me why implementing a 5 second video of themselves giving the finger to the world would be so appealing, only to have generalised responses like, “bra, it’s cool, why be so uptight?”

Uptight? Is it me then? Am I turning into a fuddy-duddy, where “new things” upset the order of the universe? No, I’ve been a curmudgeon for so long I can criminalise a new flavour of chocolate ice-cream that appears in my supermarket shelf, so I haven’t changed.

I’m just not sure I’m happy with using data reminding my private list of contacts what mood I’m feeling. If I want to let someone know how I feel, I’ll send a wonderful voicenote akin to what Louis CK hates. “Heeeyyyyy bro, these chicken cheez whizzes are like…ammmaaarrzzzinnggg????”

What I really want to change though is my ringtone. Oh man, if only could I change my ringtone to something I can customise and create, I would be SOOO happy. So goddamn happy, I could scream.

Let me change my ringtone, Whatsapp. Please.

Driving Test – A Comedy Shortfilm

in Comedy by

Check out our latest little comedy shortfilm:

TITLE: Driving Test
TAGLINE: A Driving Instructor struggles to teach a student the basics.
CAST: Joe Emilio, Nelson de Gouveia, Cara Ruthernberg

Cybershrink and his Awful Advice

in Life by
emperor ming the merciless and his advice
So once in a while, I delve into the haunted world of Agony Aunting, otherwise known as “advice”, and this week a guy is having trouble not being in love with a girl who is dating a guy he introduced her to, while still being in a relationship with someone else:

A friend I work with has started dating a woman I have feelings for, they are both unaware of my feelings towards her and I want to keep it that way. I am in a relationship and I love my girlfriend but it still bothers me. They wouldn’t have become acquainted if not for me so I feel doubly stupid. I can only distance myself so much because we work together. He’s a nice guy but constantly talking about it and asking for advice, it would be great if I could just get him to shut up about it.

Here is what this ‘supposed’ psychologist has as an answer:

You are in a relationship with a woman you say you love. How, then, do you feel justified in continuing this secret concern for the other woman, such that you begrudge her a friendship and maybe deeper relationship with someone you know, as a friend, to be a good guy ? Isn’t that what you should want for her ? Or is she on your reserve list, someone to switch to if something goes wrong with your current relationship ? What was “stupid” about having introduced a pair of friends who are apparently happy together ? There’s a rich irony in him asking you for advice on wooing her.  It reminds me of  the famous French story by Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac, splendidly filmed in 1990 with Gerard Depardieu and well worth watching : Cyrano, is deeply romantic but has an enormous nose, which people mock him for, so he feels inadequate and dares not approach the lovely young lady he deeply loves.  Then he is approached by a handsome but rather dim young friend, who has fallen in love with the same woman, and wants help in wooing her.  So Cyrano stands in the shadows, whispering marvelous messages of love for his friend to say loudly to the lady standing in her window above. And in agonies as his words bring her to love his friend, and not himself.   Look it up, it may be instructive

My response to this shitty CyberShrink”Agony Aunt Advice” column which I’ve sent, and waiting to see if it goes live…
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Applying Business Practices to Stand-Up Comedy

in Comedy by
business of comedy

When approaching projects in my employment, I put forth a variety of business practices that ensure I manage them on time and to budget within cost agreed to with clients and get them the product they require. But when it comes to stand-up comedy, I’m as guilty as anybody of treating it like any other hobby; whenever I get to it.

As it turns out, professional stand-ups have to treat their work like any other work: just like a business.

So, without further ado, here’s the top ten practices I’ve learnt in business that I, as an aspiring stand-up comic, would apply: Keep Reading

VIDEO – #ThatsFunny at the All Star Theatre, Brackenfell, November 2014

in Comedy by
nelson comedy comedian
The following video is a 10 minute stand up comedy special performed live in front of an audience at the All star Theatre in Bracknefell in November 2014.
I hated that suit.

I painted my nails pink yesterday

in Life by
johnny depp pink nails

I painted my nails pink yesterday.

It started as a friendly game with my love interest as she straightened her hair, and I looked at the nail polish she had on her table. I picked it up and wondered, “What would she say if I started painting my nails pink?”

We had just returned from a brunch meeting about our relationship, highlighting our differences while keeping our emotions from flying. We intended to be upfront and straight with each other but, I’ll admit, it’s pretty hard. I keep everything close to me, I couldn’t admit being the soft one when the man in me should be huffing and puffing his chest around like a baboon with a huge erection.

Ok, I’m not a baboon. Keep Reading

I wake up to Louis CK…and I’m not ashamed of it.

in Comedy by
louis ck louie ck

I listen to Louis CK everytime I wake up.

For years, the sound I’ve used to play on my phone to wake up me up every morning has usually been the standard tones Apple adds preinstalled for the iPhones they’ve created…from the wistful yet semi-annoying “Bells”, to the utterly annoying and relationship-destroying “Radar” that, on many an occasion, an elbow has connected with my ribcage by an irate girlfriend who has already tolerated a few hours of my awful snoring.

 But then I discovered the ability to load Louis CK’s “Shameless” as an MP3 onto my phone to listen to, and that’s become my new wake-up call. Hearing the familiar white-noise HBO introduction, followed by a pattering of conversation before the announcer clears his throat and begins the performance with the familiar, “Ladies and gentlemen…Louis CK,” to thunderous applause.

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